I found drawings of me online, drawn by a friend of mine.
"Friend."
Ex- lover.
Kind of a weird feeling.
After our last conversation (and after recently spending time together), I really miss him. I wish we could hang out more
but
I know that is just not possible.
We've now fought three days in a row, I'm completely miserable.
Every argument we have breaks my heart, without exaggeration.
Maybe that's why I got so emotional this time around, it was, like, the third heart break this week.
I wish you could just understand.
I don't fight. We've had more arguments all ready than I ever have in a good relationship (I specify "good" because a certain someone and I would argue day in and day out, but that was not a healthy relationship). This worries me to no end.
Are we falling apart? Am I over reacting?
Maybe I'm just not used to arguments.
I don't know, but it hurts.
My heart hurts.
:(
5am. Can't sleep.
Haven't updated in a long time.
I need a job.
Ali's moving back to Wisconsin. She had a going away party last night at the Beer Garden in Queens. We really need to go back there, it was fun.
I hate that she's moving away. :(
But in other news:
I have the greatest boyfriend in the world. He's asleep in my (our <3) bed.
I was going to write more,
but
Michael's in my bed... why am I on my computer?
I love him so much.
I cried because I was overjoyed and so genuinely happy to be with Michael.
We watched "Click" tonight- it was so good. I cried. A lot.
I'm emotional.
Time to get into Michael's nook.
I spent the evening with my dad. He came into the city and we had a nice dinner at Angelina Cafe and then walked around the neighborhood.
I'm glad we were able to be together today.
I miss doing things with my dad.
In other news...
I've been drinking a lot of Crystal Light.
Michael and I went to Coney Island on Friday. We went to the beach, hung out on the boardwalk and walked around Astroland. A lovely day, really. I'd like to go back again this summer and swim.
Yesterday I spilled yogurt on my shoulder (I'm not really sure how that happened).
Today I dropped my left over Chinese food (General Tso's Chicken and white rice) and Penny the Dog ate it.
Bad day for me.
Greatest day of Penny's life.
I wish you could see yourself as I do.
I wish you could let go of the things in your life that hold you down.
I wish I lived closer to the object of my affection.
I wish that job with the Kidney Foundation hadn't fallen through.
I wish I could drink beer.
I wish I could find motivation amongst the laziness.
I wish I was better at photo-retouching.
I wish I had cheaper rent.
I wish I had the funds to take a digital photography class.
I wish I wasn't a phattie.
I wish my brother didn't live so far away.
I wish my best friend didn't live so far away.
I wish I was better at dealing with confrontation.
...to be continued.
I feel like I can't breathe.
Michael's drunk and got lost in Queens (on the way home from the Mets game) and all I want is for him to get here. His phone's dead and I can't get a hold of him. This is awful.
I had a whole production planned for his arrival home but, clearly, it's gone to waste. I put on a special outfit and everything. I'm disappointed.
But more than that
I'm worried.
He called me an hour ago, slurring his words, saying that he didn't know where he was, but had just gotten off the 7 train.
Every time I hear the elevator come to my floor I hope that it's him who steps out... but... no dice.
I wish he'd just get here. Safely.
My dad came into the city and helped me do the massive amount of laundry that piled up ($25 dollars worth!) and paid for it too. That RULED.
Then my dad took me to the grocery store and bought me some stuff for the apartment (3J's fridge and cabinets were bare). That RULED.
RULLLLLLLEDDDDD.
I am thankful for being able to spend as much time with Michael as I do, but I have to admit that time spent away from him has become increasingly difficult to endure. It's unusual for us to spend more than a day and a half apart at one time, but even that has become too much. I ache for his kisses and for lazy moments together on the couch. He has become the biggest part of my life and I just wish we could always be in the same place. :(
Friday night I had friends over for a party on my roof. It was good to see some faces that had been MIA for a while (Brianne, Ruth Anne, Marne, etc, etc.). I'm looking forward to more time spent with everyone over the summer. HOPEFULLY I'll have a job soon and won't need to watch my spending as much as I do now.
I just called my dad to come into the city and help me do laundry. This is not a joke. I've got more dirty laundry than anyone should ever have (including disgusting sheets that have throw up on them [party foul! {i hate when people say party foul}]). It's my own fault, obviously. I can't stand paying to wash my clothes, I need a house of my own, with my own washer and dryer. I LIKE doing laundry. Really, I do. I just can't accept putting in quarters to get clean clothes. SORRY.
Last night I had a dream about my high school graduation. I dreamt of Lindsay and I sitting together in the first row in the formation of 2002 on the football field (DUE, DUF). I even recalled how Lindsay and I stopped and posed together during the walk back to our seats after receiving our diplomas. I've been dreaming about school a lot lately. My past is catching up to me, at least subconsciously.
But on a cheerier note, I've been editing photos all day. I love it. I want to improve my skills and I have gotten better. That's the cool thing about something like photo retouching, you can see your progression.
Michael and I have decided to stop eating like little piggies. So far we've been doing well and I've got faith in us (I say this with visions of Teany's Strawberry Shortcake dancing in my head).
I wish I had the extra money to join a gym. Shit, I wish I had money, period.
But until then, this fattie will continue to be on her broke ass summer vacation.
